Are you sure this is Kingdom Hearts?
by Saosin4848
Summary: Sora is dumb...I mean really dumb...and no one else is much better.
1. Dumbness Part 1

Here is the first large chunk of my stupid KH story...I hope you like it...I'm being forced to type this. Yeah whatever I know how author notes bore people so just read it.

"Wahahahaha!" Sora was crying. "It's dark in here. I want my pretty butterfly nightlight!"

"Choose your weapon!" Boomed a voice.

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay, okay...:

Sora walked over to the three pedestals in the center of the "scary dark room." The first held a sword, the second a shield, and the third a magical staff.

"Umm, what are these things mister, uh mister…loud voice person thingy!?"

"That's a sword on the first, the second a shield, and the third a magical staff you dimwit."

"Cool! What's a s-rd?"

"It's sword! Just take it!"

"Okay!" Sora picked up the s-rd--I mean sword.

"Now go to the door, do not be afraid."

"But I don't wanna."

"Do it now you little…"

"Little what? You were going to say a bad word, weren't you?"

"Just go through the darn door!"

"Yes sir." Sora walked through the golden door.

All of a sudden, Sora woke up from a clomp on the head. He opened his eyes to see Kairi who was about to kiss him. He sprung up and ran as fast as he could to Wakka. "Ahh! She woke me up from my peaceful dream about darkness and now she's trying to kiss me…again!"

"Sora, what's up ya?" Wakka asked in his dumb way. "Let's fight." Wakka flew at Sora with his blitz ball in his hand. Sora dodged him and incidentally punched him in the head knocking him out. Then Sora started to nibble on his arm.

"MMm, this is good. Just a little deeper and I'll break the skin. Yum." Then He started to suck on Wakka's blood.

"Wha'cha doin'?" came Selphie's annoying, squeaky voice.

"Go away! This is my food! I mean um…drink? No I mean…Just go away!"

Selphie ran away crying like she always did leaving Sora…alone…to suck on Wakka's blood.

"Stupid Final Fantasy Eight girl. How did such a cool guy like Squall put up with her? Oh well, after I go see Tidus's "cute" act, I'll go home.

"Aww, come on Sora, let me win just once."

"No."

"Please."

"Hmm, let me think about it…No!"

"Sora get down here or I'll bite you!" screamed Kairi.

Sora stopped fighting, or should I say kicking Tidus's ass. Then he looked over the edge of the balcony. "Oh no, it's Kairi."

"Damn right it's me! Come down here, I want a hug."

"Ohh, jug! Where?"

"No, hug."

Sora finally got home after having his ribs cracked for the fifth time this month. When he went to go lay on his bed, he noticed the sky was black.

"Cool! I wanna go outside and see if I can get struck by lightening.: So Sora jumped out of his window and went to Riku;s island because there were trees there.

(From Sora's house)

"Sora, get down here for dinner before I kick your ass! Sora?"

(Back to Sora)

"Hey, it's Riku. I wonder if he wants to get struck by lightening too." Sora started skipping to Riku like the two year old he was inside. "Oh Riku, there's a pretty black light around you."

"Come with me Sora. We'll get away from this hell hole--I mean, island." He held out his hand for Sora, but he couldn't reach Sora because he was too stupid to try.

Sora fell backwards hitting his head on a paopu tree. Then a paopu fruit fell on his head knocking him out. Then his world went black…

(Okay, he's dead. Let's end this…Just kidding.)

Sora woke up to a girl in his face who looked like Kairi. "Ahhh, noooooo, she's come back! She's gonna kiss me! I want my binky!"

"Huh? You've never seen me before. I'm the great ninja Yuffie. I wanna "play" with you."

"Yuffie, touch him and I'll cut your arms off."

"Yes Squall."

"That's Leon.:

:Yes Leon Leonhart… It's so obvious who you are…"

"Shut the fuck up!"

Sora looked up to see the man who was talking. It was Squall from Final Fantasy Eight. (See, game characters are real, I knew it!) "No, your Squall from Final Fantasy Eight."

"Its Leon."

"Squall."

"Leon."

"Squall."

"Leon!"

"Squall!"

"LLLeeeooonnn!!!"

"SSSqqquuuaaallllll!!!"

(Three hours later.)

"Fine, I'll fight you Sora! If I win, it's Leon. If you win, it's Squall."

"Fine, but what do I fight with?"

"Your key blade. It's over in the corner by the crappy ninja Yuffie."

Sora picked up the weapon called the key blade that was silver and gold." Yay, a key! What does it go to?"

"It's a weapon like a sword. It goes to all the world's keyholes you dumbass."

"Okay!"

"Lets blow things up!"

Sora didn't know what to do so he just stood in one spot.

"Die Sora." Squall made twenty fireballs fly at Sora from out of his gun blade. All of them missed even though Sora was just standing there. Then Sora swung at Squall with his eyes closed and still knocked him out.

When Squall woke up, Sora was standing over him. "morning Squall!"

"Its…Squall…"

"Yup! I win. Can I have a trophy?"

"No! Hey where's crappy ninja?"

"I dunno. She said she was going to go kill little kids and eat them so I just stayed here.

"Oh, okay then. Well, I have to go buy some poison for her food so I'll be back in about an hour. You stay here."

"Okay."

Squall left.

"Okay, time to leave!" Sora skipped out of the back door. "Lalalala! What to do first. I'll go to the third district, it's the most dangerous."

"Those shadow heartless thingies were cool! I even got a cut on my arm from them. I can't wait to show my friends. Oh yeah, my friends. I'll look for them later."

Sora climbed on the roof of a building and was going to jump to see if it would hurt when he noticed a dog and duck below him. "Hi ugly people! What are you doing down there?"

The dog and duck looked up when all of a sudden Sora jumped down. His head slamming into the ground.

"Aww, that only hurt a lot. It should have at least killed me…"

Then all hell broke lose. A huge giant made of metal popped out of the ground, literally.

"Cool! Monster!" Sora ran over to it and started to poke at it.

"I wanna poke it too!" came the dog and duck's voices.

"That tickles!" said the the metal giant known as Guard Armor. Then it ran into a wall and fell to pieces.

"Aww, I wanna poke it more," said the duck.

"You can poke me Donald," said the dog.

"It's not the same Goofy."

"Oh, uh right, the key barer. Come with us." Donald instructed Sora.

"Um, okay. And I'm Sora."

"Okay, let's go then dimwit."

"So this is a guu-mee ship?" Sora asked.

"Yup! We need to find our king right Goofy? Goofy?""

Goofy was asleep against the house. "Oh uh, right!"

"Well then, lets go!" Sora started skipping into the gummy ship. Watong Sora's head slammed into the side on the inside of the ship.

"Are you okay Sora?" Donald asked.

"Unfortunately yes." I didn't even get a cut!"

"That sucks," Sora heard Goofy say. "Well lets go."

"So this is Won-dee-lan", of course said by Sora. "Oh, pretty bunny clockies. I wanna pull one's ear." tug tug

"Come on Sora, Goofy, lets go see if we can get ourselves killed."

"Okay!" screamed Sora and Goofy in unison.

They walked out of the room with all of the bunny clocks and into another one. There were two bottle on the table in the new, very pink, room.

"I wanna drink one!" said Sora skipping over to the table with the two bottles. When he drank it, he shrunk. "Cool, you guys grew!"

"No, you shrunk," said Goofy.

"Cool, you guys drink this shitty tasting stuff too!"

"Okay!"

Then Sora noticed a door which he slammed his head into because that was his way of knocking.

"What's wrong with you? Waking a door up. Honestly. If you want somewhere to go then go to the pitch black hole in the wall. Now leave me alone."

Sora started to cry. "The door didn't even hit me!" Then he skipped off to the pitch black hole in the wall.

When they all appeared skipping out, they saw the Queen of Hearts. She was freaking out because she wanted chocolate. There were three dead servants around her.

"I want my chocolate!" she screamed so hard her face turned red and smoke was literally billowing out of her ears.

"Chocolate, where!? I'll give you a Goofy and Donald for it," said Sora.(How bright he is.)

"Who are you, ugly loud boy?"

"I'm uh…What's my name again? Uhh….Um….Sora? Yeah that's it! Sora!"

"Off with his bread!--I mean head! You servant! It's your fault I made a mistake! Off with his head!"

"No, no!" came a squeaky voice.

"Shut up Alice!"

"Why should I? You big fat, blubbery, old, ugly queen!"

"I'm going to cut your head off anyways for stealing my chocolate."

"I told you I didn't steal it fatso. It was the heartless."

"Those things don't even exist."

"Then Sora piped in. "No, there is such things. I even got a cool scratch from one."

"Fine, go to the Lotus Forest and find me evidence! If you don't, I'll eat you!"

"Okay!" They skipped off into the Lotus Forest. When they got there, a kitty was laying on a rock. Then it spoke;

"Find all the evidence and show it to me. Then I'll tell you where loud mouth is."

"Wow, your such an ugly kitty," said Sora.

He didn't answer.

"KITTY!"

"I'm deaf you imbecile! Well, bye-bye. Don't call me if you need me."

A few hours later

"Hey, I found a long boingy thingy!" you hear Goofy from the back of the forest near the mushrooms.

"I found footprints from some big foot person thingy." Donald's voice was heard from somewhere above. This was followed by a loud shriek and crash.

"I found um…something." Sora's voice was a gurgle from the small pond near the entrance. "Hey door!" Sora's head popped up from the pond. They all skipped to another room.

"Yay this is a really high place. I'm going to jump and try to get myself killed," Sora said happily.

Sora readied himself for the jump when the cat popped out.

"Good, you have all of the evidence. I thought you would die by then. Here, you can have blizzard magic to freeze your friends with--I mean enemies."

As soon as the cat stopped talking Sora saw a painting and jumped. To his surprise, the painting was covering a tunnel. "Hey, this is cool! I might die. Guys come with me."

Then the other idiots jumped. When they popped out on the other side, they were back in the Lotus Forest where Sora broke his ankle and laughed.

"Lets go show fatass with the bad vocabulary like me, the eve- dance."

Back at the queen's castle with candy wrappers laying around…

"Hey fatass!" Sora called. "We found your eve- dance!"

"You will address me as queen even though I am indeed very fat and ugly."

But Sora was not listening as he was getting stung by bees. "Hey, this is fun…ouch! You should…ouch…try it! La la la…ouch!"

"Off with his fled---err, head!"

Then the card soldiers started to attack them. Right away Sora thought that they were playing cards and started to skip after them. They finally gave up and ran to the queen, hiding behind her throne.

"Fine, lower loud mouth and let her go."

But loud mouth was gone thank the gods.

"Oh well, looks like she's gone. Bye-bye." Sora skipped back to the room with the shitty tasting stuff.

When they got to their destination, the deaf Cheshire cat was lying on the table. He was trying to figure out what two plus two was then decided it was fish.

'Oh good, you're here. Now you can fight Trickster and try to get yourselves killed. Isn't that exciting?"

"Yay!" Sora started to jump up and down. Then there was a loud crashing sound. Trickster fell face first on the ground. Then he got up and giggled. "Cool! I wanna go say hi." As Sora was skipping toward Trickster, he tripped. As he fell, fire came out of his key blade. This burned the Trickster into smoldering ashes. Then of course, Sora began to wail. "I-I wanted to give it a h-hug and say hi!" he sobbed. "Well, lets go", he skipped away happily.

(Unfortunatly, they did lock the Kingdom Keyhole even though they didn't notice it.)

On the gummy ship

"Come on! I wanna fly it and crash it into something!" Sora pleaded." You got to do it last time Donald."

"No, I wanna crash it."

"It's my turn."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NNNOOO!"

"YYYEEESSS!"

Then Sora bunny bumped Donald out of the way and took the controls. By the time they were near the coliseum, the gummy ship was out of control. Everyone inside was cheering and laughing. Then the ship crashed. (Ahem. KABOOM!)

Inside the coliseum gates…

"Hey ugly goat guy, we're gonna go in and try to get ourselves killed!" Sora said this happily.

"No way." Your too scrawny kid," said Phil.

"I'm scary?"

"No scrawny. It means you have no muscles you idiot."

"Oh well, your probably right."

"But I could let you idiots take a test…"

"Chest! Where? Does it have gold?'

"Sure, just come with me."

"Okay."

They all followed, skipping behind Phil the ugly half goat, half man, a satre.

"Now all you idiots have to do is break these barrels within the time limit."

They all used fire and the barrels exploded. One landing over Phil's head, burning him.

"You still aren't getting in!" His voice echoed from within the barrel.

The dimwits said nothing, just skipped away whistling the story's theme song which goes like this;

Who's in the coliseum strolling?

Are you sure this is kingdom hearts?

This story is really stupid

Much more so than the game

Sora Donald and Goofy skip together who needs the real Kingdom Hearts when we have this?

Then they stopped because there was a blue guy who's head was on fire.

"I wanna poke it," said Sora who poked the guys head and burned his finger." Oww! Yay, it hurts!"

"So, do you want do be in the tournament? I'd rather leave you here and let you rot, but its not in the script. So I have to give you this ticket. Oh, and I'm Hades," said the guy with fire for hair. He tried to give Sora the ticket. Sora didn't take it. He just stood there, drooling. "Take it or leave it! If you leave it, I'll be forced to burn you alive!" His hair burned red.

Sora then straightened up. Well, as much as he could. "Oh right, the ticket. You were talking?"

KABOOM! The only thing left where Hades was standing was the ticket, which Sora picked up and skipped away with.

"So we can try to get ourselves killed now, right?" Sora asked.

Phil just stood there, drooling. So Sora and the others stood there drooling too. Until Phil finally opened his big, ugly mouth.

"Fine but--"

"EEEEPPPP! Someone help! The big doggy is gonna eat me! I want my mommy!"

"Hey that was Hercusneeze, I mean Hercules," Sora figured from the person's girly screams.

"Lets go see if we can't save him!" was Goofy's bright idea.

So they ran to where all the danger was…Are they dead yet? No of course not. They just have to be our heros…

"Cool, giant dog with three heads spitting fire balls that are coming right at us!" Sora said idiotically. Then he saw Cloud. With his beautiful, gravity defying, blonde hair. The black wings, cool long, black and red cape, big--crowd screams shut up Aheheh….sorry.

Anyways, Sora started to drool. "Wow he's pretty…"Drool drool

"Um, excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, hey, hello, YO!" Cloud was getting frustrated.

"Oh, yeah?" Sora snapped out of it.

"Could you take this thing?"

"Oh, Hercusneeze?" (Yeah I know, Hercusneeze is supposed to be carrying Cloud but……I LOVE CLOUD!)

"I also need you to beat that thing up. I'm too tired from staying up all night watching Inu-Yasha."

"I love that show!"

"Isn't it great!"

"Yeah!"

Finally Cerberus almost steps on them…

"Now lets talk about Yuyu Hakusho!"

"Okay! Lets just ignore the doggy."

"Okay!"

Crunch

"Ahh, my leg! Hey cool, bloods squirting out." (Cloud isn't very intelligent anymore I guess)

Then strange enough, when the big doggy tried to shoot a fireball at Cloud, it reflected off of the armor on his leg hitting Cerberus. Then Cerberus blew up, and died. This also hurt Cloud.

Hercusneeze jumped off of Cloud's shoulder jumping up and down. "Yay!" I beat the three headed Cerberus.!

"Um, no you didn't." Cloud started an argument.

"Did to."

"Um, no."

"Yes!"

Slice

Hercusneeze's arms fell to the ground. In the background someone screams…

"Ahh! Someone ate my monkey!"

"So, I still beat the dog."

"Excuse me, but no you didn't. If you keep talking, I'll cut your legs off." Cloud said this very calmly even though, inside, he wanted to kill everyone just like me.

"I won't give up just because I'm lying. I killed the dog."


	2. Dumbness Part 2

Okay section 2.…….I don't have anything to say the story does explain itself but if there are questions email me……or write a review…..

_**Part two-**_

Hercules's legs fell to the ground. "Are you still going to talk because I'm not afraid to kill you. Just hop away like a good defeated god."

Then Phil came bouncing in, literally. "Hey, you beat that big dog Flora?"

"No, I did." Hurcules thought he could fool Phil.

"Yeah right you big, ugly guy with a spiral on your big, ugly cin. Oh and you still aren't in the I want to kill myself club. He sees Cloud. "Okay, your in."

"Yay."

"Yay."

"Yay."

"Your lucky you let them in."

"Uh, haha. Hi Cloud how are ya?" Thump Punch. "SSSOOORRRRRRYYY!!!" BOOM!

"Here Sora, take this because I'm too stupid to use it. Actually, I'm not even sure what it is. Then Cloud skipped off aand got hit by an oncoming random object, and died. Boohoo….ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!

Okay that's enough of that. After that little um incident with Phil, Sora Goofy and Donald went into the fighting ring. They were about to take on the preliminaries to try to kill themselves.

"No please! Anything but that!" Sora was dieing from being tickled by the heartless. "NO! Anything but the poking!"

Eventually all the heartless were blown up from Sora's girlish screams.

They were then miserable because they thought they had won but Cloud showed up crying. Everyone's faces brightened up because it was another chance to die.

"Why do I have to fight you? I was peacefully dead but no! Hades had to bring me back. I hate you Hades! Your always making me kill these worthless mortals!" Cloud was frustrated and it looked like he was screaming at thin air which could happen because this whole story makes absolutely no sense! (Takes deep breath.)

"Yay, its Cloud!" Sora was over excited and jumped on Cloud killing him. "Dammit! We won again…" Sora started to cry." I wanna lose! Its not fair! Now we even get a prize……"

After much complaint about getting a hero license to compete in the games, our idiots headed off to a new world.

On the gummy ship…

"Goofy, you must make sure you crash into Deep Jungle, you can't just land it." Donald tried to explain the rules of landing to Goofy.

"I know! What kind of idiot wouldn't crash the ship?"

Then the ship crashed and landed in some unknown area that isn't really unknown is it?

When Sora woke up hanging upside down with his pantleg stuck on a splinter of wood hanging from the ceiling, he was alone.

"Yes! I'm finally going to die!" he screamed this while looking at the long way down to the floor from his position. Then the wood broke and he fell. He unfortunately landed on a soft pile of cloth. "Dammit!"

Little did he know Sabor was standing right on him staring him in the face about to kill him with his mouth open. Even when he looked at him after cursing every word he knew and saying hi, he didn't realize it was standing on him. Finally after it bit a large chunk out of his arm he jumped up.

"Finally! I can die now!" Sora was jumping up and down waving his key blade around. Sabor charged at himbut was killed when the key blade went through his chest. "Dammit! Fuck, shit, hell, bastard, bitch , asshole!" Sora was getting very angry and thinking about commiting suicide.

Tarzan then had to interrupt him and start beating up the dead corpse of Sabor. "Yeah take that! I mean ee oh oh oh ah?" Tarzan smiled dumbly. "Oh fuck it! I won't act like a monkey just because it's in my script! Oh, I know your looking for your friends, they aren't here but you have to play along. Follow me dumb boy."

"Is it really necessary to use me as a snowmoard while you slide down this?" Sora's face scraped along the tree branch and rocks.

"Yes. I don't want to hurt my delicate feet." Tarzan jumped on him a few times to make him flatter. "Stop moving damn you!"

"Itai! That hurt! You broke my back asshole!" Sora threw Tarzan off of him who landed in the forest below.

"Hee hee, oops…" Sora was giggling as he slid down the branch, but as he wasn't paying attention, he fell over the edge. "Death? Is it finally?" Am I actually going to--" Right then Sora fell on something soft which did crack, but never the less, Sora was not dead." Err… SONNAVABITCH!" Sora started to sob uncontrollably and was very angry.

"Shut up! We can here you all the way to the set of Yuyu Hakusho!" Hiei was standing in front of Sora.

"Wow, really?" Sora seemed proud.

"Yes really. Now we have to film episode three thousand, four hundred and fifty five again because your voice is in it!"

"If I do it again, will you kill me?" Sora thought this was a bright idea.

"No, I can't. This is a whole different story, I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Then go away!"

"I'd be honored." Hiei walked away leaving Sora alive. (Which totally sucks on my part.) After a while, like a few hours, Sora started to wonder what he was sitting on. So then he looked down. He was sitting on Tarzan who had lost a leg and was broken.

"Hah hah, broken.Poke poke Hah hah…" Sora is so stupid he started to poke Tarzan as you can see. I almost feel sorry for him…But since I made him up, I don't really care. (I hope everyone out there realizes this story is going to go on like this for a long time, then theres the second one…)

After about an hour, Tarzan mysteriously healed and they somehow were transported to the yellow tent.

"Well pulled a hoo, hoo, um, a hoo something or another." Sora wasn't confused he was just very stupid.

"Oh no Tarzan is back. I mean, oh look, Tarzan is back!" Jane was standing in front of the two.

"Eh oh oh oh ah…" Tarzan was looking up Jane's skirt like he didn't understand what it was.

"Stop acting like you don't know how to speak you ape!" Jane then kicked him which knocked him out. "Finally."

"Hey, that was the Yuki kick!" Sora exclaimed to Jane.

"Hey, you've seen Fruba too?"

"Yup."

"Yay."

"Yippy!"

"Shut up!"

"Okay…"

"That wasn't me you moron."

"It is me, Clayton, the moron who--" Hey! Who put this in the script!?"

Whistly whistle "I don't know who could have possibly done that?" Hades smiles nervously."Well, bye!" Hades just disappears.

"Get back here!" Clayton goes to chase him which isn't supposed to happen. Then he trips and shoots himself in the head. Now since that happened, we skip to locking the keyhole.

"Hey, where'd you guys come from?" Sora was talking to Donald and Goofy who mysteriously appeared beside him because we're skipping most of Deep Jungle!( Collapses a moment from talking so fast without breathing.)

"Yeah, what he said." Donald was too stupid to repeat what I said.

"Yay! Lock-a-de keyhole!" Sora tripped and incidentally locked the keyhole. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I screwed up!"

Sora!

"I'm a loser!"

Sora!--well that may be truew but---

"I'm sorry, sorry, sorry!"

Don't put your head through the wall!Now listen you didn't--

"I ruined everything!"

You were supposed to lock the keyhole!

"Oh, okay then…" Sora skipped away to the gummy ship and--Hey wait a second! You didn't get your key blade keychain or the new trinity power!

"We'll get it anyways! It's automatic!"

Who do you think makes it automatic!?

"You?"

Exactly…(Puts devilish grin on.)

"Hey, your getting all glowy and stuff! Now you have your gundam!" Sora was watching me like an idiot as I aimed my gun at him to kill him.

"Pretty light…" He started to watch towards it.

Oh yeah it's pretty alright. Especially when dyed red…

Beep beep Sora was hooked up to a heart monitor in the hospital. Now get back to work!

Back in the gummy ship…

"I think I'm bleeding…" Sora was looking at his handless arm. "Yeah, definitely think I'm bleeding…

Sora mysteriously healed. There, now your not. Now drive! Sora had no choice and drove because I control him!

"Yay! Crash-a-de crash crash!" Sora loved every time something hit the ship." Hey theres something coming right at us!" Sora was looking at Sephiroth who was racing Cloud in a gummy ship race. Then he noticed Aeris duct tapped to a meteor who was the trophy. There was also two signs reading;

Sephiroth- Aeris will die if I win.

Cloud-Aeris is mine!

"Cool! I wanna try!" Sora started to join the race. "Hey, I'm winning." Sora was in first because Sephiroth and Cloud started shooting at each other, which hit Aeris and ended up ending the race because she was dead. "Well, back to the script…" Sora started slamming into things again. I think we should skip this…"AHHH!!!" Sora was angry for being alive.

Oh my god! Sora, that's a whale!

"Hee,hee, I know." Sora drove towards the whale…he wasn't supposed to…

"Sora, wake up!" Donald was hitting Sora in the head with a piece of wood.

"Why won't you wake up?"

Because your making him stupider and you skipped half the story! Now, you will mysteriously appear back in Traversetown! Then you go where I tell you!


End file.
